August 15, 2008
New Jersey Turnpike: Asshole by Default
I recently had the pleasure of taking a drive on the gorgeous and beautiful New Jersey Turnpike. It is the Garden State you know. I was enroute to apartment shopping in New York City, and thankfully with that well known Jersey traffic, I endured many stops at the toll plazas where gas was filled and food was bought, toilet seats were squated over and lines were stood in. From careful observation, also known as waiting in line to use the loo, I first saw a sign that said “Ever wanted to take your dream vacation? Well you are here… NEW JERSEY!” Um, hold on, no. no. no. Jersey is good for two things: The Jonas Brothers and my fabulous friend Priya. I also noticed, noone speaks english in America anymore, also excuse me and I’m sorry I just almost slammed your face into the ground are not really necessary anymore. Once I finally used the bathroom, and by the way most of the line stems from idiots not realizing the f’ing stalls are EMPTY!, I went to go wash my hands. Well, this was not as simple as one would choose to believe. I learned how to wash my hands ya know when I became mobile at like age two. I was trying to wash, soap, rinse, and dry as fast as possible to get out of this freakin hellhole, but I was held-up by a later yeared woman who spoke ZERO English. In the process of my soaping, I felt a warm body around my back, she was hoovering. She was not waiting to wash her hands, because well there were like 10 open ones around me, because once again, people are dirty. She was just staring at me and kept trying to put her hands in my small stream of water. I told her go to that sink, she just looked at me and said ‘no habla ingles’ I said ‘yeah yeah yeah, expected’ and pointed. She didn’t get it. So I just said f’ it and dried and took a quick exit. I am sure she did the same to the next 20 people. You come to America, how about you learn to speak English, or at least how to wash your hands.
My next great New Jersey plaza experience was waiting in line for someone else to pump the gas for you. I was so pleased to be in a line with no honking, the people in the line next to me… not so fortunate. This mini-van, with also non-english speakers driving (I know this because they started rolling down the window and asking why they were being honked at), was blocking the exit area for people not getting gas to get back on the turnpike. I don’t know if they were getting gas or thought that was the line for the exit and they give you complimentary gas for stopping by or what. But as expected Jersey drivers pulled outrageous moves around the mini with outrageous honking, yelling, and the fabulous mid-finger trick. What I was not expecting was the expedition from my lovely Commonwealth of Virginia to pull a monster truck move. Next to the minivan was an raised curb and flowerbed. Well, those flowers are now dead, because did that expo rage through it. I was embarrassed for my commonwealth and realized New Jersey Turnpike is where you become an asshole by default. I am normally angry about some of these things, but the level of unhappiness that arises driving on this hole of horribleness is unacceptable. So for the moment, I will excuse all of the above people’s actions and just say…. the New Jersey Turnpike it just makes you an asshole.
AND ANOTHER THOUGHT:
The lines at the bathroom could also be reduced by the following:
People of the larger stature (becaues of too many big macs) taking out the toliet seat covers and placing them on the toliet. You know why they do this right? To keep all those bad germs away from their heinnys that are probably just as bad as all those toxins they are putting in their mouths which then exit through the rear. Those toxins yes are the crap they eat every 30 seconds. Anyways! How about you squat? Its exercise for that 30 seconds of the day you aspire to do and also saves me time and less moves of the pee-pee dance.
August 15, 2008
Dallas…Burnin’ Up!
No it’s not on fire! But the Jo-Bros reportedly just bought this new pad for 2.9 Mil! It’s a six bedroom, six bath 7,360 square foot mansion, talk about ballin’ boys! Sorry ladies, it’s a gated community you won’t be able to sneak a peak of them walking around in their drawers(briefs?) anytime soon. I wonder if this will turn into a paparazzi mess like brit-brit and her gated community. Well, anyways if Joe Jonas decides to go for an older woman (by only 4 years!) I will be sure to let you guys know how great the place is.
Oh yeah, and this is all according to TMZ. thanks guys.
August 13, 2008
Jo-Ade…the new Speidi?
Bravo has done it again and created a new spinning drama that just pulls at the heart strings. Or maybe just another couple trying to extend their 15 minutes of fame to about 17 minutes and 41 seconds. If you have no idea who I am referring to, well good, because that means their plan is failing. It is Jo and Slade from the Real Housewives of Orange County. Jo is a young, annoying, basically with Slade for his money and the possibility of being on a television show. Slade is an almost 40 year old classic orange county single douchebag. Oh and his last name is Smiley, Really? REALLY? Well, they had a great engagement on the Real Housewives, until Jo decided ‘I am 24, I don’t want to be a housewife, I want to move to LA and party and make money in real estate!’ Well, I guess Slade followed, then began working on her music career. Yes, I said it music career. Surprisingly I found the song catchy on that sweet, sweet commerical they played on Bravo, obviously top of the line. Obviously, highly edited. Slade paid for Jo’s new album and all that jazz. Well, now they have a new show, well I don’t know if it’s new but I watched a whole fifteen minutes of it last weekend hungover and it made me to want to drink again. Date My Ex, is a great show where losers, (actually there is one gorgeous, amazing dude, probably only there to launch his modeling/acting career… maybe Slade will pay for that too) they move into Slade’s house (also known as Bravo’s) and compete for Jo’s love. I have to say its pretty original the way they are doing it with bringing three new guys in a week, and having them compete, choosing one in the end to add to the other competitor pool. Slade wears ugly hats and ‘trendy LA’ outfits, which are obvious he is 40 and trying to act 21. Jo wears short dresses that show her ‘curvy’ body, that makes me want to punch her in the face, and tell her to hit the gym. P.S. I so do not understand the hotness factor of her, I mean that hot little nugget Shane, the minor league baseball player was like obsessed with her. I am hoping it was just the producers trying to create controversy. So in the end:
-Slade paying for Jo’s record career (SPEIDI MOVE)
-Wicked editing of the voice… not making it much better (SPEIDI MOVE)
-Dating each other for the benefits of a reality show/his money (SPEIDI MOVE)
-Living off the fifteen minutes of the reality show they were a side part on (SPEIDI MOVE)
-Reality Dating show after they break up (FUTURE SPEIDI MOVE)
-Clothing Line (FUTURE JO MOVE)
-Paparazzi setup shoots (JO-ADE FAILED)
In Review of Date My Ex: Don’t watch unless you want to go deaf, blind, and dumb.
August 13, 2008
DC Law Students just as smart as the D.C. Sorority Girls
This gchat conversation was left on a computer at local D.C. Law School Library Computer… Genuises!
Yet again, I changed the names of the little slutbag for her protection. enjoy!
HEADoftheclass: Slutbag
Me: Horny dude who jacks off at school… also looked at his facebook profile… not so hottttt
me: heu
hey
Sent at 3:56 PM on Monday
HEADoftheclass: Hey - I just got your text, no I’m not still at
school. I had to go home to get my car because I’m meeting another
deans fellow at 5. Dodd wants us to check 30 (no joke) books out of
the main campus library and bring them to her
What were you doing there?
me: stuff for class, is there any way i can get a bj today at school?
Sent at 3:57 PM on Monday
HEADoftheclass: No, I’m home now and when I come back I’m meeting
that guy. Plus the library is to crowded in the afternoon. You have
to come over in the early morning or later at night to get library
head
me: what about bathroom head?
HEADoftheclass: I think the same rules should probably still apply.
I’m not so keen on getting kicked out of school
me: you could sit on the toilet and ill stand in front, no one would know lol
Sent at 4:01 PM on Monday
HEADoftheclass: Which bathroom do you suggest doing this in?
me: i dunno, one of the bigger guy bathrooms
Sent at 4:02 PM on Monday
HEADoftheclass: It’s just not such good timing. If you really want, you can wait at school until I’m done with the Dodd stuff, but that will probably be pretty late, but at least we’d have less of a chance of getting caught.
me: like what time?
Sent at 4:04 PM on Monday
HEADoftheclass: I don’t know how long it’s going to take. We have to go to main campus, check out all these books and articles, and then bring them back to WCL and copy a bunch of book chapters. I don’t know how much photocopying there is becuase I haven’t seen the books yet
me: oh ok, i have class from 6-8
HEADoftheclass: You can try me at 8:00. I might still be there. I didn’t know you were taking a class
me: yeah, thats why i come in on mondays, wheres a good place in school to get a bj?
HEADoftheclass: I’m not sure, I’ve never given a bj in school. Have you ever gotten one?
me: nope
HEADoftheclass: You ever jerked off at school?
me: yeah, i did twice
HEADoftheclass: Where did you do that?
me: in a bathroom stall
Sent at 4:09 PM on Monday
HEADoftheclass: Well I guess that’s probably the best place to give head too. I’m signing off now, the lightening is freaking me out.
Sent at 4:10 PM on Monday
HEADoftheclass: I went home. Aren’t you still in class anyway?
Sent at 7:32 PM on Monday
HEADoftheclass is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when
HEADoftheclass comes online.
July 31, 2008
Outrageous Person of the Week: Amy Crackhouse
MTV Award, Crack Pipe, Ceramic Kitten... I mean why not?
maeghenleigh